Last year, my housemate Becca decided to be the voice of the (fairly movie ignorant) nation and gave me her inspired Oscar nominations. War Horse led the way and you should definitely give them a once-over, here.
Seeing as she is my own personal Karl Pilkington of the film world, I once again decided to dig into the recesses of her brain and find out what she thought would win this year – taking into consideration that she’s only seen Silver Linings Playbook, The Impossible and half of Les Miserables (for reasons we won’t go into as she’s scared it’s not strictly legal). Outside the main contenders, she’s seen The Avengers, Snow White And The Huntsman and Mirror Mirror, but this house has mad love for Tarsem’s latest, so I won’t have a word said against it. Oh, and she’s seen Paperman as I put it up on Facebook when Disney made it available on YouTube.
Check out the voice of the people’s Oscar picks below, working from the technical categories up to the big dogs. And yes, this is verbatim. Enjoy:
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Life Of Pi
I heard Prometheus was terrible. Snow White And The Huntsman had other heads on dwarves which was pretty clever, but the dwarves in The Hobbit were pretty impressive. It’s got to be Life Of Pi as there was a tiger on a little boat with a man. Mind you, they had that unicorn scene in Snow White. The stag, whatever it was. A deer?
BEST SOUND MIXING: Skyfall
Well, Ben Affleck was in Argo and he won something for that. But Skyfall, because of all the explosions.
BEST SOUND EDITING: Life Of Pi
Got to be Pi because of all the editing from the tiger roaring when it shouldn’t.
BEST LIVE FILM SHORT: Death Of A Shadow
Death Of A Shadow because of that song, (sings) ‘Lord as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death’, from One Tree Hill (a laborious YouTube search establishes it to be this).
BEST ANIMATED SHORT: Paperman
I did watch Paperman and it was very nice. A bit boring.
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
I haven’t seen any of them, but I think it’s got to be The Hobbit. And to be fair, the middle of the earth is Dunsop Bridge, which is near me. Or is that Middle England? Or Britain. I don’t see why the north would be the middle of England.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Adele – Skyfall
Ted reminds me of Toy Story, so that’s not very original. What is that Toy Story song about friends? (Sings a bit of Randy Newman). I think it’s got to be Adele, Skyfall, because she’s on the CD in my car. If you compare her to Taylor Swift to whom she is the same age, she’s had a baby and Taylor Swift cries about boys.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Anna Karenina
(After explaining what a score is. Which I also did last year) Why don’t they just say best original music? Anna Ka-whatever, sounds like it would have good music in it. Well, I can’t go for Skyfall because I’ve already picked it.
BEST MAKEUP & HAIRSTYLING: Les Miserables
Hitchcock – is that the black guy on the cover with the glasses. No? Well then I don’t know what Hitchcock is. Well, I don’t like Helen Mirren because of her rape theories. What’s her face, Anne Hathaway, had her hair cut off, that’s impressive. It was in one take, I believe. What confuses me is – now, I only watched the first half an hour of Les Mis, but at one point in time she had hair and then she didn’t. And I wanted to see the scenes where she had her hair cut off. Maybe I blinked. And I read online on the Daily Mail about the things they had to do to their teeth, so I think it’s going to be them, the Les Mis people.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: A Royal Affair
Rust And Bone (I tell her it wasn’t even nominated). Well, that’s a write-off. I think that Royal Affair one from Denmark because of The Prince And Me, which is a Denmark prince, isn’t it? Danish, I mean. So that’s why, because I don’t know any of them. Though The Prince And Me was a pretty terrible film – all four of them. I don’t even know if there’s more.
BEST FILM EDITING: Life Of Pi
Before you say anything, how can you know about film editing? Because I didn’t see the films before they were edited. The other thing – you know when you see deleted scenes? Sometimes they’re better than some of the scenes in the film. Best Editing… Hmm. I just don’t know, really. I mean, Argo got that director Ben Affleck in the BRITs? The Grammys? Golden Globes! He also appeared in it, you know. (I tell her he was the lead) Oh! I thought it was a cameo. I thought he was a man waiting for a plane! I read that on the Daily Mail. It’s got to be Life Of Pi again because of that tiger. You have to edit out all the things that tiger did wrong!
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Redemption
Inocente – is that about rape? Two stand out for me. Redemption, because of Shawshank and Inocente because of my lecture I had about the Victorians deflowering children to get rid of STIs – or venereal diseases. So Redemption, because it sounds more exciting. Shawshank’s a great film. It better be as good as Shawshank.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: The Gatekeepers
5 Broken Cameras? That sounds shit. My first thoughts after I heard Gatekeepers, was (sings) ‘Gatekeepers, hear no sound’, which is also on One Tree Hill. Those may not be the actual lyrics. The Gatekeepers.
COSTUME DESIGN: Mirror Mirror
Right. Well Les Mis is just, like, dirty clothes. Oh, I also heard they had like one costume the whole way through, but maybe that was something else. In Mirror Mirror they have that big wedding scene that’s not a wedding – they have some pretty awesome costumes there, don’t they. In Snow White And The Huntsman, Snow White wore the same thing the whole way through, the only thing she did was rip it. It’s Mirror Mirror. Oh, she wears that awesome dress at the end. I think.
See now, I’d go for Life Of Pi because, you know, it’s on the sea, but I’ve chosen it before, so I can’t go for it again. There is that good scene in Skyfall where the train comes through the wall and obviously the explosions, so I’m going to go for Skyfall.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Moonrise Kingdom
Well, Django’s out because Tarantino strangled somebody – effectively. Zero Dark Thirty is not original because it’s based on true life, so that’s not original in my book. So Moonrise Kingdom, because I really liked the poster.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – Silver Linings Playbook
I’ve only seen Silver Linings Playbook and it was really good, so Silver Linings.
BEST ANIMATED FILM: Wreck-It Ralph
Wreck-It Ralph, because what’s her face* was on Graham Norton.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Anne Hathaway – Les Miserables
(Laughs) Well, it’s not Anne Hathaway, is it! (Then I tell her how Hathaway’s pretty much won all the critics prizes…) Thing is, someone like Anne Hathaway is going to win even though she’s shit. Anne Hathaway, because you know she’s going to win. And at least then I get one right. I bet she doesn’t win now.
BEST ACTRESS: Jennifer Lawrence – Silver Linings Playbook
Well Naomi goes missing halfway through The Impossible and is hardly in it, so she can’t win. (I explain the ages of Riva and Wallis) You really want either the really old or young one to win, but to be fair it’s got to be the youngest, because the youngest might not be the youngest next year but the oldest will still be the oldest. That’s a maths one for you, Emma*. I don’t necessarily think she’s going to win it, but I want Jennifer Lawrence to win, because she’s burst onto the scene. I think it’s a toss-up between her and JC. J-Law.
*Yeah, so Emma doesn’t do math…
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Alan Arkin – Argo
This is immediately where my brain went with Alan Arkin – Severus Snape. And with Christoph Waltz? Hairspray*. (I tell her what Tommy Lee Jones has been in) Ooo, Men In Black! I did like Men In Black 3. I’m just going to have to go with Robert De Niro, because it’s the only one I’ve seen. Though to be fair, if we’re basing it on films I’ve seen, Snape is very good, so it could be that Alan guy.
BEST ACTOR: Bradley Cooper – Silver Linings Playbook
On the ‘Between Two Ferns’, Daniel Day-Lewis was a short guy who was white. Is Daniel Day-Lewis black? (Me: No) Because I’m not entirely sure who Daniel Day-Lewis is. (Me: Have you seen Gangs Of New York?) No. Is he in Hannah Montana? Bradley Cooper, because he was brilliant in Silver Linings Playbook.
BEST DIRECTOR: Michael Haneke – Amour
Has Beasts got any animals in it? Oh, there’s that chick that the girl uses for a phone (referring to one of my previous Facebook cover photos. I explain Aurochs)! So not real things. (Me: Pigs, dogs, etc) Oh, well, they’re easy to direct! Amour. Because I’ve not chosen it yet. I feel like I should go against my instincts.
BEST PICTURE: Zero Dark Thirty
First of all, picture? Why not just say film. Zero Dark Thirty, because I haven’t chosen it either.